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| Photo by Mary Decrescenzio |
First, there is no easy answer to this question because as parents, we all go through times like this. My most recent example is when I take 2-3 kids to the grocery store (today I took my younger 3 to Publix to buy my groceries for the week). The whole way to the store, I review my grocery store rules with them. 3 simple rules: 1. Do not scream. 2. Do not make anyone scream. 3. Do not ask me for anything. They repeat the rules to me several times so that I can make sure they know them very well. And throughout the store, they repeat them, especially any that they are forgetting to keep. I gave them each one tic tac when we got there as a motivator to follow the rules in order to earn another one at the end of the shopping trip. I try to keep those trips as short as possible. If I need extra things or I have to really check labels or order something that will take too much time, I plan those for another time without the kids or without as many of them.
There are times when even the well-behaved, compliant children are difficult and defiant. That is obviously because we are all sinners. Our kids aren't any worse sinners than we adults are. We all make mistakes and we all need parenting. Our kids get it from us, and we adults get it from our Heavenly Father, if we seek Him and take the time to receive and learn from the discipline He gives us. So when the kids are being difficult, do they need more rules or more grace? It depends on the situation. It is ok to say no to some activities that you or your kids want to do because of the season of life you are in. I regularly have to say no to women's ministry events at church on weeknights because getting home late puts way too much stress on my life and therefore on my kids' lives as well. Or socially, I rarely go out alone with friends because I have prioritized my marriage and family.
Practically speaking, if I know I don't have enough money to take the kids to the zoo or the fair or Carowinds, etc, I don't take them. I only plan outings and trips if I can afford to enjoy them, including buying the kids an ice cream or slush, etc. That is part of the fun of going places--to be able to buy some fun foods or a toy while being there. All kids will get upset if they are out somewhere fun and they see everyone else enjoying cotton candy or a glow stick or a balloon or a fidget spinner and mom/dad keep saying they can't buy anything. In that case, I would more likely keep my kids at home or do something we can afford that is low-cost like getting a Frosty from Wendy's or a play date at Chick-Fil-A or going to the park or library. There are times we have even left the library because they would not stay quiet or be obedient. I am not afraid to change my plans based on their bad behavior unless it is a plan that is impossible to change.
There are times when I have changed my mind about going somewhere fun with the kids because they were acting up in the car. I don't make threats that I fail to carry out. If I say: "if you scream one more time, we will not go to Chick-Fil-A," then if they keep screaming, I turn around and drive home and explain why. I have left Hobby Lobby and driven all the way home with one of my kids and left them at home with my husband and then returned to Hobby Lobby alone to continue my shopping trip. And there are times when I took the child to the bathroom to give a spanking or a timeout.
Discipline takes a lot of time and work. We cannot expect our kids to parent themselves. They are our children, given to us by God, and God wants us to take the time to actually parent them--not to just put a phone or tablet in front of their faces. I am very guilty of getting frustrated with my kids when they seem to need so much from me or when I have to take extra time to correct them. But that is my job as their mom! It is the highest calling of my life. Every moment we spend investing in our kids is living for the Kingdom of God! God wants us to raise our kids to know Him and to love Him, and that means we have to be investing time in disciplining and correcting and loving our little ones.
The bottom line of disciplining our kids is not a list of rules. It is showing them the heart of God and the grace of God. Rules and punishment do not create compliant kids. And enforcing rules and punishments does not create a pleasant parent either. After I have to discipline one of my kids, I try to take the time to talk through what happened and why. I may have to wait until we all calm down, but then I give hugs and explain that we all are sinners and we all need God's help and God's forgiveness and God's grace. God loves our kids. And we love them. That is why we discipline them. We need to be patient with them like God is patient with us. I am not naturally patient, and I do not have this figured out, but with God's help, we can all improve.
