Don't Let the Dog Out and Magic Markers

Cecil Stoughton's White House Photos

It was a low-stress Friday afternoon. On Fridays, I don't have to cook, so I was relaxing and the kids were playing. Then I suggested that Caleb invite the neighbor over to play so he could have more boy time. Little did I know that was the end of my low-stress afternoon.

Before I talk about what happened next, let's divert to the dog. Sam is our faithful, 11-year-old beagle that just underwent surgery last week. He had his spleen removed plus a massive tumor that was over two pounds and larger than a grapefruit. So he has a cone on his head until the incision heals. The vet's instructions are to keep Sam on bed rest.

Back to Friday afternoon: Caleb brought Eric over to play, but while they were entering the front door, the screen door did not quite close, so Sam ran over and tried to squeeze through. I screamed for Caleb and Eric to stop him, but they could not, so I reached for his tail and ended up on my knees in the doorway. Sam ran straight into the street, almost getting hit by a silver Honda, of which the driver stopped afterwards to wave and apologize. He saw me on my knees on the front porch, screaming at the boys for letting Sam out (I am 13 weeks pregnant, by the way). One other thing: at that same moment the boys were walking in, I was calling my husband, so he heard the whole 45 seconds of chaos.

While Sam was roaming the neighborhood with his cone, stitches, and all, I moved the car from the garage to the driveway so the boys could have more space to play in the garage. When I came back into the dining room, I noticed pink circles all over the wall, and Emma was standing there. "When did you do this, Emma?!!!!" "Right now, Mommy."  "What marker did you use, Emma?!!!" "Gaby's magic marker." So of course I made her "clean it up," which is impossible because it is permanent marker. 

After that, 3 more neighbors came to play, Sam came home, Sam ran away again, I cooked pancakes because my husband worked later than expected, we tried to take five kids to the football game, the football game ticket stand did not take debit cards, so we finally ended up with five kids at Krispy Kreme at 8:00 pm. 

Advice for Overwhelmed Moms:

My only advice is if you are an overwhelmed mom, you are not alone. That may or may not help you in the chaotic moments, but later on, when the kids are sleeping, call a friend that also has a large family, and you can laugh (or cry) about it together. We are not meant to face all of this alone. God is with you. Your family and friends are with you. Just reach out and share your story.

Temper Tantrums in Public: What Should Mom Do?

Photo: National Library of Wales

You are raising good kids, and you are really consistent about discipline. Your 1-year-old knows the meaning of no, your 2-year-old knows the meaning of timeout, and your 3-year-old knows the meaning of "go to your room." But even the best of moms will have an occasional trip to Publix in which your sweet angel decides to scream for the entire 3 minutes it takes you to run in for milk and diapers. Don't lie and say it has never happened to you; there is a reason that moms buy groceries at 10 pm or 5 am. So what do you do when you are in a very public place, and your child has a titanic tantrum? 

Possible Parent Responses to Child's Tantrum:

1. Take her to the bathroom and sit her in timeout (this may take 5-10 minutes).

2. Take her to the bathroom and give her a spank (this process may take 5-10 minutes).

3. Keep walking through the store as fast as you can and ignore the screaming.

4. Leave the store immediately (without buying what you need).

5. Give her your phone or something to play with or eat (which reinforces the bad behavior).

Obviously, there is no easy way around this dilemma. Prevention is the only true solution, but realistically, can tantrums be prevented?

Possible Ways to Prevent Tantrums:

1. Bring activities for your child, such as coloring books or a toy he has not seen in awhile.

2. Teach your child as you walk around the store. Most kids behave better when they are engaging in active learning.

3. Make a checklist, AKA scavenger hunt, for the kids to help you find what is on your list and have them draw what they find.

4. Before going into the store, explain to your child that he can suck on a lollipop while shopping as long as he is obedient. If he disobeys, he will lose it immediately.

5. Do not go to the bakery section first and get him a free cookie. Explain ahead that if he is obedient the whole shopping trip, he can be rewarded at the end with a free cookie.

6. Explain that you will not shop with crying/whining children. And mean it. Don't be afraid to leave the store or any other public place if you said you would. Your children need to know that you mean what you say. Be sure they understand that you follow through on consequences. Don't make 5 empty threats to punish them for bad behavior. If you say: "you have 10 seconds to stop crying or I will take away the phone," then be sure to count to ten and remove the phone if they are still crying. It likely will cause more crying, but at least they are learning the consequences of disobedience.

7. Listen to your child. Sometimes your child just wants to tell you something, and if you actually take 20 seconds to listen, you may be able to easily fix what is bothering him, such as unfolding a sticker or turning a button.

8. Act a little crazy. It will make your kids laugh.

9. Bring another adult, especially a male adult. My husband is the superdad that can shop with four kids for an hour, and they never cry. His trick is to let them walk around, but they have to follow him. And they always do! The thought terrifies me, but it actually works for him.

10. Remember that as a parent, it is your job to train your children. You have an enormous opportunity and privilege to teach your little ones right from wrong, including how to behave in public.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." –Proverbs 22:6

Baby Wise: Scheduled Feedings vs. On-Demand Feedings

Photo: Mary DeCrescenzio

When I was pregnant with my first baby, a mom of twins gave me a book called Baby Wise, which I read eagerly and then re-read once my baby was born. Little did I know the controversy between moms that schedule feed their babies vs. moms who feed on demand.

Baby Wise Principles:
1. Use a basic schedule for feeding your infant, with feedings every 2.5-3 hours.
2. Try to ensure your infant gets a full feeding each time he/she eats.
3. Keep your infant awake for a little while between each feeding cycle during the day.
4. The purpose of a good daytime schedule is to help your baby to sleep better at night.
5. Use your parental instincts to adjust your baby's feeding schedule as appropriate.

These principles did not seem controversial to me, but I noticed a lot of mixed reviews on Amazon because some moms disagree with the idea of a feeding schedule. On-demand feeding and scheduled feeding can actually look very similar in practice if your baby eats well for each feeding because likely he/she will not be hungry again for a few hours. But if your baby cries and you nurse him for 5 minutes, he likely will eat again soon.

Some on-demand feeding moms stated they disagree with scheduled feedings because it leads to infants not gaining weight. That would only be the case if you are not feeding your baby enough volume each day. Obviously, if your baby's 2-week checkup shows he/she is not gaining enough weight, the doctor will have you increase your baby's milk/formula intake. Remember that the first few weeks, your baby will eat often--sometimes every 2 hours.

Using scheduled feedings for my children did not cause any lack of weight gain. Actually, my son's weight increased from 7 lbs at birth to 15 lbs at 2 months. One benefit of the feeding schedule and daytime wake times for my babies was that they slept through the night by 2-3 months.

Mom's Advice for new moms:
1. Baby Wise has some good ideas and is worth a read.
2. Use common sense when feeding your infant. It's your motherly instinct.
3. Do what works best for you and your family even if it is different than everyone else.
4. Follow your doctor's guidelines and call the lactation nurse for extra advice.
5. Consider breastmilk only for the first 6 months. Don't give up too soon on breastfeeding your infant even if it painful or difficult the first few weeks.
6. Don't compare your baby to others because each child is different. Just because your cousin's baby slept through the night at 1 week does not mean yours will. Some babies latch well immediately and others take a few weeks to learn. Some babies are never good sleepers.

Car Trouble and Miracle

Photo: Missouri State Archives

Yes, I am a soccer mom. And yes, I drive a blue minivan with the family stickers on the back. When you have four children that need car seats, car breakdowns are inconvenient, to put it nicely.

About a month ago, I got into my soccer van to drive home from work. As I was listening to music, I noticed a car nearby was pretty loud, so I looked around to find the culprit. Turns out it was me! I could only drive 25 miles per hour or the engine strained and the RPM's shot up. So I drove it super slowly the whole 30 minutes to a mechanic near my house, thinking that I could walk home if needed. The mechanic tested it and told me to take it to a transmission shop and to not drive it.

Since I was close to home, I parked it in my garage and started calling local transmission shops. Johnson Transmission in Lugoff had been recommended, so I called, but they were full that week and the next week they would be closed for the holiday. Thinking I needed the car fixed immediately, I found a reputable shop in Columbia called Donahue's. So I had the car towed there because I was told not to drive it. They diagnosed it as needing a transmission for the small fee of $4100.

Then I really started making some calls and got quotes from at least five transmission specialists, with quotes ranging from $2000 to $6000. By then, Johnson Transmission was open after the holiday, so I spoke to them a few times, faxed them the diagnostics from Donahue's, and had my car towed there. They said they would start working on it the next week. Mid-morning on Monday, they called me to say the car is running fine and every time they test drive it, there are no transmission problems!

That brings me to 2:00 today. I drove my mom's car to work, and after work, I drove it to Johnson's. I test drove my van with Mr. Johnson, and it ran perfectly, so I drove the van home. There I picked up mom and the kids and headed back to Johnson's to get mom's car. I came back home to realize that my house keys are inside the house, where they have been for the past month. I drove to get a key from my husband and finally made it home around 5 pm.

I don't know anything about cars or transmissions, but the fact that my car is running great and cost nothing to repair is truly a miracle!

Mom's Advice for Moms:
1. Don't rush into an expensive car fix.
2. Get several quotes before deciding on a car mechanic!
3. It's ok to stay home every afternoon for the next month with no transportation. You may enjoy it!
4. God still does miracles!

First vs. Last Baby: Birth Order Personalities and Picky Eaters

Photo: Nationaal Archief/Spaarnestad/Kees Jansen

Do you know any firstborn children that are laid back? Or do you know any youngest children that are not? My own kids follow the typical birth order personalities perfectly. The oldest is in charge. The second is relaxed. The next is my "middle child." And the baby is just trying to keep up with the bunch. Why do oldest kids have first child syndrome? Because loving and clueless mommies, daddies and grannies give them a bit too much attention and affection for the first few years of life. And why are youngest children laid back? Because, by default, they never get the attention the first child did.

We created a child that did not eat well because when he was a baby, we were strict about him eating only healthy food. And we were by-the-book about teaching him to feed himself. So between 1-2 years old, he stopped eating meat. Everything we did reinforced that because we gave him more fruit, more milk, more yogurt, and he learned that he did not have to try different tastes or textures. At first, we thought it was ok to bring hummus to cookouts and pot lucks because at least he was eating healthy protein. But a tasty hot dog? Not a chance! And chicken with rice? Not a bite. Think about the foods that are served at a church pot luck. Could I find anything on the 100-platter table that my 2-year-old would actually eat? And then, of course, you get the stares and questions from 80-year-old Aunt Ingrid about why your baby is not eating her sweet potato pie or the mashed potatoes, corn and ham.

I remember getting mad at people for asking to hold my first baby. "How dare they?!! Don't they know that he can get sick?" And date night? "Let's just bring the baby; he won't interrupt our conversation." By the last child, you are pretty much handing your baby to anyone who has a free hand, whether they ask or not (no question of whether their hands have been sanitized). I wonder if youngest children actually get sick more since they are clearly exposed to more germs. And if the pacifier falls on the floor? The firstborn baby gets a different, sanitized one. The last baby is lucky if it is even rinsed.

As for middle child syndrome, they will fight for attention because they likely do not get enough of it. Usually their negative behavior gains mom's attention, but instead of hugs and kisses, they get reprimands and timeouts. Since birth order is not their choice, wait until they are really happy, take a minute, and give an extra hug to your middle children today. 

By the last child, not only have you learned from your mistakes, but you are so busy that the youngest has to keep up, pick up, speak up, eat up or will get nothing. These are good traits for us all to learn. Don't complain about what you are served for supper. Eat what is on your plate, or be hungry. Learn to play alone. Be happy playing in your room. Don't ask mommy to play with you all the time. Don't be demanding. Don't be selfish. Don't act like a spoiled brat. If we treated all our kids like youngest kids, they would learn self-sufficiency much sooner. How old was your oldest when he actually played happily by himself? Did he/she even have the opportunity to learn this important life skill? And the youngest? The baby learned this skill in infancy and will carry it throughout adulthood. 

Mom's Advice to New Parents:

1. If you are a first time parent, try to relax! Stop reading so many parenting books, and stop trying to do everything the books say.

2. Give your baby the chance to play alone in his playpen or crib (at times). 

3. Let people hold your baby. Let them help you. Enjoy dinner while they do.

4. Being unreasonably overprotective with your baby will lead to the baby having more separation anxiety at age 1. 

  

Tape on Fingers

Photo: Model Urban Neighborhood Demonstration Collection
(ubarchives, Langsdale Library, Univ of Baltimore)

We were sitting down for a leisurely afternoon snack, so I sliced my orange into eight pieces and grabbed a napkin. As soon as I sat down, my 5-year-old asked sweetly for my oranges. So I gave her four. Then she proceeded to cut masking tape into small pieces and wrap them around her fingernails like band-aids. When we asked why, she said she didn't want her fingers to sting. Then she tried to eat the oranges but could not because of the tape. She asked for help getting all the tape off of her fingers, which I did for the next two minutes. Finally, she said: "Actually, I don't want oranges anymore."

Last night after 9 pm, she and her brother were doing Origami at the kitchen table. Out of the blue, she said: "good thing I ate supper already!" When we asked why, she said: "because my hands are getting dirty."

The kids were jumping on the trampoline with jump ropes. They threw one jump rope over the net and it landed in a tree. Gaby wanted to get it, but Caleb tried to stop her because he was afraid she would break off the tree branch. Neighbor Eric came to the rescue and said: "I'll get it! I'm an expert!"

"We had a little talk," Gaby stated as she, Caleb and Eric walked out the back door with their icy pops. "About what?" I asked. "About Eric doing something until college." "What's that?" I asked. She said: "I forgot."

I have four young children, and my son's friend Eric practically lives here. So at any given time in the afternoon/evening/weekend, there are at least 5 kids running around, screaming, squealing, crying, laughing, chasing, and discovering. Currently, the oldest is playing with a bouncy ball, the next two are opening a floor puzzle, the 3-year-old is coloring with markers ("mommy--I don't know how to put the top on right"), and the baby is supposed to be napping. But five minutes ago, one was crying because her sister helped me first, and one was crying because his favorite drawing was put on the floor (AKA ruined forever)!!!

Mom's Advice for Moms with Young Children
One parenting trick I have recently learned is that kids need more space. They usually can work out their differences if I stay out of it. They will find something to do if I leave them alone. I have always tried to micro-manage them, but it has truly backfired. I see it because my oldest now micro-manages all his siblings. So, if it's not too late, I am trying to learn from my mistakes and give the kids more freedom to learn, explore, and socialize on their own. I'm not sure how they feel about it, but it has truly decreased my stress levels.